Recommend that if you are at all interested in being a race car driver someday, at the risk of life and limb, then move to Phoenix AZ, and practice every day driving from one end of the city to the other at 80 mph. Try to get a fast low riding japanese race car so that you can feel the bumps in the road and the occasional things that you get to dodge or run over.

I bought a record album. A porch thief stole it in broad daylight, and my neighbor across the street took pictures of the thief, his car, and license plate. Open and shut case. Giving the police all the information they stated they would get back to me. Its been a month.

Learn to croon if you want to win your heart’s desire.  Sweet melodies of love inspire romance.   Just whisper "you’re so marvelous" and then when you do, she’ll answer you "you’re so wonderful" and nestle closer to you.   If you’re heading for a sunny honeymoon, start practicing today.  An alternative would be to buy the complete discography of Morrissey or The Smiths.

The thought of you touching me thrills me. You have an impish smile, a nice pair of shoes and the hottest touch ever, especially as you gently tug my hair. I remember the sharp intake of my breath as you pulled, and nibbled.  I deserve better, no matter what is going on with you, but I think about you a lot. I can't help it and still want you. Don't trust you anymore, though. I mistook your laconic nature for quiet regard.  My mistake.  Damn, baby.  You are cold.  (This never really happened, I just wanted to write a paragraph with the word impish).

I wish I was a Flight Attendant because then I would know how to perform cpr and be certified in basic first aid, go thru bio/chemical hazard class, learn all emergency procedures in case of a crash, deal with drunks, people grieving, children puking, fend off the usual studs that are on the plane, the angry asses that didn't get the deal or the girl or whatever, the first time flyers (actually those are fun), the special dietary needs, etc. I could practice being pleasant.

I really like a sarcastic woman.  Some say that sarcasm is a way for stupid people to feel witty, I on the other hand see it as a refined form of wit. I love it and I surround myself with people that are good at it.  Anyone want to join my haters group?

Do you ever wonder if Canadians are just laughing and shaking their heads whenever they think about how ridiculous it is for Americans to be taking on all of the troubles of the rest of the world.

If cats are so smart, why don't they just block traffic once in a while and ask people for favors.  They could ask for food, or water, or even have someone take them to a movie, maybe Grindhouse.  That was a pretty awesome movie after all.

It really kind of nice when alcohol no longer gets you buzzed.  I mean, you can sit at a bar and watch all of the other people having a really get into the music, laughing, and flirting, and joking around, and having a good ole time, and you sit that and wish you were out jogging or shopping at Whole Foods.

Falling in love with someone can be very difficult when they (1) dont love you, (2) dont spent an adequate amount of time with you (3) never touch you without you touching them first (4) are hot and cold then hot and then back to cold (5) have friends that are insane (6) they think that John Kerry would have made a great President.  I mean come on, the guy is an elitist, out of touch boner.

I think if I was going to start collecting things in life I would probably start with cups.  I really like coffee cups.  I won't even drink out of my favorite cup.  It has a picture of a Cray Supercomputer on it.

My headaches.  Why you ask.  Thinking about girls.  Why you ask.  Because they are fun to think about, until you reach the saturation point.  Then I get a headache.  Its probably called an emotional headache and I could probably take some emotional headache pills of some sort, but what would be the point.   Why do I have to be emotionally intelligent when it is so hard just to be intelligent.  Maybe I should cut back on the coffee.

I just hated today, that's all.  Carry on as you were.  I'll be fine.  Really.  I'll be fine.  No, I'm not really crying.  What makes you think that?  Oh, that,  I was just chopping onions in the kitchen.  Seriously, I was. 

I think it would be really cool to pick your friends.   Lately I think I would pick Jim Jarmusch because he is a great filmmaker, Susan Sontag because she is a excellent writer, Sally Mann because she is a awesome photographer.   I was going to say Bill Gates because he is a excellent software executive, but I figure he is really busy flying to Florida to hang with his friend Jeffery.

I hate the way restaurants insist on clearing away all of your plates at the end of the meal.  You are sitting there having a nice relaxed conversation and they start banging and shuffling dishes right under your nose.  Lets start a restaurant called "We cleanup when you leave".

Loneliness is a very strange feeling.  There are periods of time where none of your friends call you and you start to feel really lonely, then all of a sudden as if the sun just came out behind a cloud and they all start to call you at once, and you stop feeling lonely for a while.

It is clear that to be understood by people you subconsciously must avoid thinking.  This eventually causes the feelings of inadequacy that I am currently experiencing.

Some people are born with an innate sense of style which transcends all standard notions of beauty. This allows us to look fabulous in even the blandest of attire. To give you one example - when I was imprisoned for five years in 1991, my fellow inmates were always impressed with my ability to make my sackcloth bed blanket into the most fabulous dress slacks for special occasions like the Warden’s Christmas party.  I could turn heads in those days, let me tell you!

My new neighbors had a big old bonfire last night, they were drinking beer and laughing and didn't even invite me over.  They are apparently stuck up snobs.  This morning I spent about 5 minutes watching a squirrel dig a hole in a garbage bag in their backyard.  I might have scooted the squirrel away, but decided not to because, as I said earlier, they are stuck up snobs.

I think it would be fun to have a remote control snake.  I just imagined this as I was walking down Michigan Avenue in Chicago.  Everywhere I turned the snake would follow me.   People could only assume some sort of demonic force was trying to take control of my soul.  Seems like a gag that Tom Green would do.

I usta waste a lot of energy in my youth on stupid things like thinking that if I looked at girls in the car next to me when I was driving on a busy street that she would just intuitively want to meet me and that we would fall in love.  Or, if I let my beard get scruffy that I may not meet a nice girl, but a bad girl would be attracted to me.  I really hate it how lame I can be sometimes in life.

I hate damn ghosts and the supernatural.  What the hell is that about anyway.  Some sort of programmed fear of the unknown.  I hate the shivers I get sometimes.  It kind of is like the first time I saw the Exorcist.  Scared me to the core.  That's one of the worst feelings.

I just what I think is my first age spot on my face.  It's kind of a dull dirty little mark that is beneath the surface of my skin on my face.  It kind of make that part of my face look dirty.  It totally sucks.  If I was so stupid macho I would probably wear some makeup to cover it up.

I am a bit weary of everyone blaming George W for everything.  Sure he seems like a pompous ass sometimes, sometimes he seems like a wisecracking sophomore frat boy, but I doubt very much he has as much power as everybody thinks.   I mean we do have three branches of government the last time I checked.

I kind of like the new Super Target.  The only problem is visually it just seems so wrong to go up to the checkout counter and watch them scan bacon, then a curtain rod, then havarti cheese, then tube socks, then candles, then cottage cheese, then winter mittens.